Ah fuckies

tee hee

So it's been forever since I've posted anything on xanga. Mostly because I think just about everyone has abandonded it....

It's like I could bare every secret and truth about me on here and maybe a few aquaintances would read them.

Probably not. They would glance, get bored, more on to the next subscription.

Life is good. Better than the last time I made an entry. It seems a contant battle just to keep your head above water and the ony difference from then to now is actually wanting to put up a fight. I miss old days and yet I long for new ones. I need to get fucked but I don't wanna get fucked over. Schools a drag but I want to learn. Contradiction after contradiction and all I want is to sit out in the sun and smoke a j.

I can't wait for spring break.

I never seem to leave a state of confusion

I think I need to deep throat a rock hard barrel of a gun

(please don't take me seriously)

I doubt any of the people who I really want to talk about it too don't read this any more.

Ugh

Life is so not what it's made out to be

I'd like to write the world a letter and ask it all the questions I need answered. But sometimes I get the feeling the world isn't always the talking type.

Or the hearing type.

And definitely not the dancing type so I don't think we'd get along.

I wish I could float through life and look around me and see everything as beautiful. As beautiful as I used to.

Every person and every tree.

Beautiful because it was alive. Even the buildings were alive. And alive is very much so beautiful.

I wish I could enjoy the absolute perfect that I have right now. And everything is perfect.

Except for me.

I hold the hand that holds me down and that hand is mine. I cover my own eyes. Because I can't seem to grasp the idea that I have everything I could possibly need.

You'd think I'd be in a better mood, right?

I wish I could marry this world. It's the biggest bitch circling the sun but hey, I can lay down upon my world and feel the earth moving under me. I can see a lone tree in the distance and know we are exactly the same. I look up at the sky and wish I could be wrapped in it just like the world.

This world isn't perfect and yet when I'm sitting alone with all of it's gorgeous side of ugly, I feel at home. And we sit together, sad and what not and sulk together.

The most perfect and unlikely pair. A pessimistic girl with the world she resents.

It's so obvious we love each other. Even though I hate the world and the world likes to ignore me.

I still think about it every night as I go to sleep. It still fills my dreams and I still stick around for it. So there must be something between us right?

Gravity can't be the only thing holding me here.

Sometimes I think the world just shakes it's head at me because it knows that one day I'll be beautiful again. And I'll see everything as beautiful again. I'll really breathe the beautiful air and I'll really see everything that's just so fucking beautiful.

And then I'll teach the world how to dance.